When Painful Things Come to the Surface: My Fear of Connection


When painful things come to the surface..

the importance of acknowledging them, feeling them and choosing what the highest version of you would think, feel and do.

Something I've always struggled with that came up to the surface the other day…

I feel as if I don't understand the difference between wallowing in my self pity and projecting all my shit onto others/being a whiny bitch vs venting/leaning on friends who love and care for you and hold space for you to just let it all out. 

I've always been scared I'm going to be the former, so I just hold it all in. I've always just ran and hid.. thinking I have to do it all on my own. 

I feel what's come up for me recently is the line of knowing where the need to "parent my inner child" and handle my own shit vs needing someone to lean on, or even allowing someone else who truly wants to be there for me to just be there. It's difficult for me to receive support in this way because growing up I never felt I had. It feels weird, like I'm throwing too much on them. 

I've always instinctively been the people pleaser so I’m just use to letting people vent to me and keeping my mouth shut about my own ish.

It's like a part of me knows what I'm upset about or stuck in is compete bullshit and just a limiting belief so I feel annoyed with myself and like I'm just being annoying if I were to go talk to anyone about it.

It's like this constant battle between my higher self and the part of me that's still trying to figure this whole human thing out. 

Which in reality would be a battle between my lower self and lower self, because my higher self would never make the little child in me feel bad for being stuck in a limiting belief or mental pattern. Ya feel me?

So throughout my life I've pushed people away. Out of fear. Fear of being too much. Fear of being not enough. Fear of being a burden. And fear of just flat out not knowing how to be a normal human and communicate. 

One of my biggest fears is connecting with people.

Idk why, it's always scared me. I've always blamed it on being an only child, saying I'm awkward and don't know how to talk to people because for as far back as I can remember, I've been the shy little girl who had to have her parents talk for her.

It's gotten a lot better over the years, but I never use to reach out to others first, to hang out, plan adventures, even just say hi and send some love and especially not with men or anyone I was interested in. It just felt unheard of. 

Because I had this deep feeling below the surface of being annoying, like I was such a bother, like I was just this needy little girl who constantly wanted attention and if someone really wanted to hang out with me, talk to me, then I just figured they would. So I would stay in my safe little cocoon, in my own little world. 

I thought I was over this whole thing because I had addressed it in the past but with my moon time and all the energies going on recently, I guess a new layer came up to be healed.

Which bummed me out at first. I got mad at myself and wondered wtf was wrong with me. “Hadn’t I dealt with this part of myself already!?”

But then I decided to look at it differently.

I decided to look at it with gratitude.

I decided to feel grateful that another hidden aspect of myself or at least another layer of it, was being brought to my attention so I could move through it, so I could dig even deeper and let go and step more fully into who I really am. So I could shed yet another mask I have been hiding behind.

So I can understand more fully what I DO want in relationships and connecting with others vs what I don’t.

>>With all situations, circumstances, emotions, events, we have this choice.

We have a choice to allow them to drag us down the rabbit hole of negative emotions and fear,

or we have the choice to feel grateful and choose to see the lesson that is being taught, how this situation and every situation is always always working out for out highest good.

It’s all about perception.

It always is.

So next time you are going through something that feels less than ideal, instead of getting angry, upset or down on yourself, I encourage you to take a step back, view it from a broader perspective,

be the nonjudgemental observer and ask yourself,

How is this serving me?

How is this showing me what I DO want?

How I can be grateful for this?

How can I use this to start show up as the highest version of myself in this particular area of life?

xoxo, Chlo